Take Heart

In the past week, I have had quite a few experiences that have shown me new life perspectives. I’ve asked myself the hard questions and debated the answers for them.

On Wednesday, we made the day about visiting some of the children that have returned home to their homes from the Haven. We weren’t really sure what to expect because we never had the opportunity to go visit back in the villages the last time we were here.

Our first stop was to a sweet little girl, Nikko, who is living with her grandmother. She wasn’t there when we first arrived, but then she came down the path with her grandmother and Meag just scooped her up in a huge hug. She is such a doll. Her grandmother greeted us ever so sweetly, handed us stools to sit on, and offered us cibwantu (a drink made of fermented maize). She sat off to the side some and just enjoyed us visiting her granddaughter. It was such a beautiful picture of love. Nikko was doing so well and you could just tell her grandmother loved and adored her by the joy beaming from her face. It gave my unexpecting heart so much peace. When it was time to leave, Nikko’s grandmother gave Meag the biggest bucket of sweet potatoes I have ever seen as a thank you gift for taking care of Nikko. Meag said that every time she visits, she gives her gifts of thanks and gratitude for loving Nikko. They were so happy and Nikko knew that was home.

Next, we visited Prince and Princess. They were such little ones when we were here a couple of years ago. We were told to have low expectations because more than likely, they wouldn’t remember us. We met their aunt and uncle and followed them home. Once we got there, we immediately knew which ones they were and wow, we were blown away. They had grown immensely and were quite scared of us because we were unfamiliar. We went inside and visited with their family while they looked at us from a far, unsure of why we would be there. After some time and coaxing from family, they shook our hands and waved by to us.  Once again, my heart was so full that they were thriving and would be able to attend school and go on and to such great things for this world.

The third stop was Caleb. Caleb’s feet haven’t developed properly and are turned inwards. He has had them casted and several surgeries, which haven’t been beneficial. He can run and walk on them, but I can only imagine that it is painful. After many twists and turns, we found the turn-off to go to his home. We found him sitting near the fire, so we sat down on stools and joined. While Meag talked to the family, we just sat and listened and set our gaze on Caleb enjoying his sweet. During the time we sat there, my heart just dropped and became so discouraged at the fact that Caleb couldn’t get the proper help he needed because of the family’s financial situation. There are also many children because of the families dynamic. My heart just kept sinking further and further when I heard that school was a 45-minute walk. It’s not his fault that he was born with a developmental difficulty. It’s not his fault that his family has to do the best they can with what small amount they have. It’s not his fault that he lives in a culture where his future could basically be determined for him. It’s a sad and unfortunate situation that is showing me a reality of life.

Our last stop was to a sweet home where the parents are both blind. They have 5 children. And 4 of the 5 have stayed at the Haven until they were old enough to return home. The younger 2, Kurt and Jessie,that have come home were just a precious as I remembered and looked happy and healthy. Their mother was all smiles and happy that we stopped by for a short while on our way home. Once we got into the car, I asked a few questions about how they made their living and how they were able to be such a remarkable family. Y’all, the answer made my heart stop. They are farmers, but their church family is a huge help and an active part of their lives. They help provide what they need and are their support group. They can live their life in the best way possible because of the church that is there for the. That, my friends, is a family.

In my head I just kept thinking, wow, who does that? How many churches do I know that would rally together and support a whole family just so they could raise their children and not feel held back?

I just wanted to break down and cry because it was so beautiful. They can be and are a complete family. This is such a perfect example of God’s family at work and of what a church as a whole is called to do for its brothers and sisters.

In the Haven, there is a baby that had been in the village from the Haven for a good amount of time and one day, returned to the Haven because he was severely malnourished. Later, we found out that he had been going down hill for some time and the best option was to bring him back to the Haven to get well.  He doesn’t even resemble the same little guy that I remember. So many thoughts plagued my mind and they honestly still do. What happened? Didn’t his parents notice? How do they feel about this? Are they okay? They love him so much right and hate that they can’t be his providers right now, right? I have no answers to any of these questions.

I have no answers to any of the questions like: Where is God in this? Why do these babies have to go through the troubles they do? Why couldn’t God love me a little less and bless them some more? Will God reveal Himself in these situations? Will He make himself known to their families? Will the babies grow up and know the Lord? Will they all truly know how special they are?

The biggest questions that I asked was: “Why this situation? Why this life?”

Why were these babies born into this particular family? Why was I born into my own family?

I have no answers for any of this, only thoughts. I long so hard to know the answers and know the full story.

On the car ride home from our visits, we were so fascinated at the thought that these babies will never know how special they are to some random white girl in America. No one is going to tell them about us, we were just there for a fleeting moment in their lives. They will never know how God used them to teach us lessons or reveal himself to me in a time when I needed to see it.

This weekend on our trip away, we watched “A Fault in our Stars.” It was powerful, it was sad. One scene stuck out to me in this movie. As Hazel, her mom, and Gus are getting back to the states from their trip to Amsterdam, you see her dad standing at the end of the escalator with a sign that reads: “My beautiful family.” And wow, that sent me into tears. They were his people. They were the ones he wanted, the ones that molded him in this life.

I realized then that I have some one-of-a-kind, extraordinary people. My dad, mom, brother and sister are my people. Not only were they pre-chosen and all, but they are actually the best of the best. They have molded me to who I am today and have handed me the world.

My next realization was that not everyone has people, or maybe that everyone has people, but just not the best or their ideal people. Why? How? Will God present Himself into more people for those? It almost makes me antsy like, “come on God, don’t let me down!! Give them someone, take the pain, and give them perfection! Can you do that?

Then, the faith dwindles. I got the good end of the stick in life, some didn’t. And it’s all too evident. Not even here, but everywhere in this world. It’s discouraging and it was such a big detailed picture floating from home to home seeing both ends of the spectrum right before my eyes. All this is something I would have never realized on my own, or if I did it would’ve taken some time because you have to get to the heart of it. I had to be at this place where I was thinking, ugh, I give up. I don’t want to ask the questions, it is the way it is and it’s discouraging, this is too much for God to be blessing me with my people and blessing them to, so the guilt and lack of faith creeps in.

Then comes the voice in my head that reminds me to “Take heart, for I have overcome the world…” And the next little thought is “Come on Riv, have some heart.” (Thanks, dad) Seriously, why in the world would I not put a little of my heart into someone that has OVERCOME THE WORLD? I can, because He gave his whole heart for this world.

I’m working on taking heart and knowing that God can do immeasurably more and bring forth people that will be Christ to others. He has complete control of everyone, everywhere. We all need people. We all need family. We all need to have a little heart. We are all someone’s people.

I was in Haven 2 this week with the older babies, ages 2-5 and I loved it. It was so much fun and they all would just run up and beg for me to “pick me, I want to learn!” I couldn’t believe that they were begging to learn and read. They are so smart and love to read books about animals, play matching and counting games, and sing songs. So, for a week, I got to get a little taste of what my own mom does everyday. My respect has grown for her and I can see why she chose to be a teacher. The excitement is so rewarding. Everyone is doing well, happy, and showing off their unique personalities.

It’s truly a privilege to share my love with these babies.

What's in a Name?

In Tongan culture, names mean something special. In language class, Chimuka gave us a lesson on Tonga names and their meanings and I found it fascinating that there are names from birth order, the circumstances of birth, Christian origin, family matters, and parental origin. A great amount of thought and meaning goes into the name. The way it was presented to me is that the name of that child usually signifies something that was happening at the time within the family or who your family was as a whole. So, when you looked at your children and their names, you could see your family story unfolding and remember history, good times, strengthening times, and tough times that molded your family. After our lesson, I realized that Ba Cece, the auntie that I stay in the village with, named her third child, Mapenzi, which means “born in a time of trouble.” When I asked her about it, I learned more about her family background and how important remembering is. Several children at the Haven have the names Lushomo: hope, Chipo: gift, Maleele: miracle. I love that their names signify something more.

This made me think about the names we carry with us. We label ourselves in so many different ways depending on who we encounter or the situation. I could be labeled as Tim and Sheryl’s child, the oldest daughter, the service director of my club, a psychology major, a Harding University student, a Haven intern, and the list goes on and on. But, what stopped me was my label as a Christian. There are thousands of people who carry that name around. It is the name that should consume all the other names and be what defines the very life we live. But, does it?

The name Christian describes our whole life mission and the one that we die to ourselves for. With that being said, how often do we wholly embrace that name? It is the name that reveals a story. Our story is being woven into God’s. As He looks over his children that carry his name, He can see His family history, the growth, the bruises, the scars, the happiness, and the love all in one name.

Just like with Tonga names, our title of Christian tells a story and is a constant reminder of who He is and who we are in Him.

I think the beauty of remembrance is more like a foreign concept now. We are so eagerly searching for anything to take our mind off of the hard times or seeking out ways to fill up our days that we go through the motions inevitably forgetting over time.

All of this made me think about our Grade 9 devo on Wednesday night and the conversation of how well do we know the One whose name we wear? If it’s my life and someone I am giving over my whole heart and soul to, how well do I know Him in order to carry on His name? How well do I remember His name that I wear?

Naturally, I think I know Christ well. I mean most people do, right? I let my analytical side go crazy and broke it down into parts of a whole.

1.     I feel like I know God as a Father the best. It’s comfort and familiar. I see Him as a loving, compassionate, gracious, yet a just Father. I think it is so easily for me to relate and familiarize myself this way because I have such a Godly earthly Father that has instilled such a healthy view of God to me.

2.     It’s hard for me to wrap my mind around and fully realize that Jesus, even as God’s son, was fully human. He had my same thoughts, wants, confusion, doubts, joy, and understanding as me. I forget so easily that we have that common ground and I often times finding myself not relating because after all he is still Christ. In all reality, He is the one I should be able to relate to the most.

3.     The Holy Spirit is a tough comprehension because growing up; we didn’t talk much about the Holy Spirit and how he moves in our lives each day. Not that it was never spoken of, I just never felt like it could be applied to my life today. I see it more evidently now that I ever have before, but often times, I don’t recognize that this is how Christ lives in me and He is helping me to bear His name.

Surprisingly, I’m not upset at where I stand when I answered these questions because it just means that I can delight in the fact that my relationship with my Creator is still going to grow and strengthen, I can seek to know Him more and more each day, and He is still revealing Himself to me constantly.

I’m so happy that I can wear the name of Christian and be a part of such a beautiful story. And now, I hope that I strive to remember all the milestones along the way that come with His name that has given me Life in Him.

Week One: A day in the Intern Life

This is just a simple update since the first week was all adjusting and finding our groove for the next few weeks:

We arrived in Livingstone and were greeted by Meag and baby Joel’s excited and smiling faces. It was the most wonderful, surreal feeling to be reunited in Zambia and not the states. Holly lost a bag so we had to go through the process of getting her bag. Right from the get go, we stopped at the grocery store to exchange money and buy groceries. I thought the store would be overwhelming but it truly wasn’t. It was actually really fun planning meals and finding the Zambian equivalent. We were all fighting jet lag hard and it really showed when I knocked off a mug and broke it and the next aisle over knocked a whole stack of cookies off a shelf. Needless to say, we were all ready for sleep.

Once we got to Namwianga Mission, we were just overwhelmed with the realization that we were back. It was completely different, yet so comforting like home. Before we settled into Meag’s house, we made a round at the Haven to see the Babies and the Aunties.  I just had no words. The warm, welcoming faces brought much happiness. Hearing babies cry and laugh and recognizing the distinct smell of formula, baby powder, and love just wrapped me in memories. Mama, who is in charge of the Haven, just picked us up and hugged us in the tightest hug I have ever had. She was elated that we were here with Meag. We met all the aunties on the night shift and met all the babies, new and old. Then, we went home and unloaded all of our bags.

Since we were so tired and couldn’t hold our heads up, we went straight to bed. On Sunday, we went to church at the Johnson. It is the church on the mission and were immersed in the beautiful voices of the Zambian students that go to school at George Benson. We couldn’t help but smile and just enjoy being in their presence and God who spans across land and sea. That afternoon, we took a 3-hour nap and unpacked all of our belongings before going back to church that night.

At church, Ba Merritt, the missionary at Namwianga that has grown up in Zambia, gave the lesson on four different ways your temple can be tested. The one that was talked about more but absolutely rocked my world, was persecution. In America, we don’t have to worry about persecution for our religious beliefs. We have persecution in other ways, but not ones that make us live everyday in secret and fear. Ba Merritt went through different African countries and talked about the persecution and death that Sons and Daughters of the King were willing to endure to expand the Kingdom and proclaim the Lord’s salvation. It broke my heart. It really set the tone for what missions truly looks like. It even really portrayed what a life truly lived in Christ looked like as well, which was especially humbling. He then proceeded to talk about loving our enemies and letting Christ be the judge.  It was a beginning to my thought process being “out of the box” and gaining a new perspective of a reality of life other than my own. It started to tap into my questions of grace and forgiveness and really began to eat at me already. My initial thought of “wow, how in the world could I forgive someone who killed my family or I can’t fathom living my life in fear and continuing to serve God” was quickly put in its place. I am commanded to love my enemy and give him water and bread when he is hungry. The biggest part is I am to do it willingly, lovingly in a Christ-like manner, not in obligation. Right from the get go, I started learning more about God’s perfect love.

Monday was our first day and I was nervous, overwhelmed, and worried that I would be inadequate at the job and make mistakes so big that everyone would question how and why I was here.

The way our internship works is mainly intervention based. We are assigned a Haven House each week and the goal is to spend at least 15 minutes of one-on-one time everyday with each child in that house to work on a skill that they need help developing. Some of the skills are gross motor skills like crawling, standing, utterances, vocalization all the way to fine motor skills such as clapping, stacking blocks, recognizing shapes, animals, body parts, and more. The first week, I was assigned Haven 3, which is babies that are sick with TB, HIV, or come malnourished. The best news now is that everyone is healthy and thriving despite being tested and on medicine. On MWF, we eat lunch with the Aunties of that house. I love getting to take that time to practice Tonga and learn new words and engage in the Aunties and their lives. When the babies are down for their naps, I enjoy getting to visit with them, help fold laundry, or help clean up around the house.

Also, on Monday-Thursday mornings, we have Tonga Language class with Chimuka, Meag’s next-door neighbor. She is such a patient person and is teaching us wonderful things and truly investing in our learning and helps our desire to grow and be able to communicate in this culture. So far, I have learned words for people, families, animals, numbers, action verbs, and some things outside and around the house. Soon, we will be learning to construct sentences!

On the first day, we shadowed an Auntie in the house that Meag assigned us. I was assigned to follow Ba Stella for the day. She was such a kind, patient teacher and allowed me to participate in all her daily activities. We swept, shined, and mopped floors. We made bottles, washed clothes, hung clothes out to dry, bathed babies, dressed babies, changed nappies (cloth diapers), and folded clothes. For lunch, I walked to her home in the village nearby and met her family and helped her cook for us and her son. She let me cut vegetables and stir the nshima (a staple for all of their meals kind of like thickened grits). Then, we washed all the dishes outside before returning to the Haven.

After Monday, I felt more peace than when I began. I gained a better appreciation of the women I would be working alongside and felt a comfort in getting to know them and a willingness to let them lead me and for me to be ever learning in their guidance.

Throughout the week, we all were sorting through schedules, getting to know each baby’s skill level, and just simply adjusting to the new routine and finding our place in this beautiful adventure. Everyday brought a challenge and a new level of exhaustion as we still fought jet lag and a day full of different personalities.

Wednesday night, we were able to join Meag at her devo with the grade 9 girls. It was so good to meet them all and get to hear their wise answers to the study they are working on: follow me by david platt. Even in that one night, I learned so much from them about repentance and renouncing our worldly self to follow God in the purest form. It was a lesson I needed to hear in the midst of carrying baggage and finding myself in the Savior. I realized there are things that I thought I repented of or renounced but I didn’t truly repent of because I excused my skewed definition of what those two really mean. We often times go by what our world defines it as or even our church instead of what God defines it as to be a child of His. We were challenged this week to find what we haven’t truly renounced and given up to the Father. I found that mine is control and that I say that I’ve given up control and run to God, but not really, not always. It’s only when I remember to do so or when my resources I turn to are exhausted. It reminds me of the bible class that my dad teaches on Wednesday night, what makes me a citizen of “Tuckered Town”. I don’t relinquish my control, so I’m constantly fight a battle that not only keeps me from more of the Father, it wears me out so that I can’t even take advantage of his endless help and provision.

On Thursday, I accompanied Meag to the hospital with a baby that needed a follow-up since returning to the Haven. He screamed and cried the whole time because of the new, unfamiliar place. I quickly realized that being with the babies and taking on such responsibility is not always peachy. So many people would ask if he was mine, tell me he was a trouble child, and try to take him to calm him down. Unfortunately, it was never ending. On the way home, Meag made a statement that just really stopped me in my tracks. The sweet boy was so hungry that he ate two whole bananas and wanted more. Meag said, “Isnt’ it funny how he wants more because he doesn’t know that in 5 minutes he will be home and get to eat nshima, but we do. So, we don’t give him more bananas. It’s like us and God. We cry for more of something and when God doesn’t give it to us its because He sees the better that lies ahead.” Wow.  I just quietly thought of that for the rest of the drive home because oh how true that is and we forget that so easily when we are just losing ourselves in this crazy world that we live.

That afternoon was our first trek out into the village. This was the first time that we would be staying in the village with the Aunties on our own. We were all so nervous, yet very excited because we want to know more and more about their lives. One piece of advice that Meag left us with before we left is that if Long-term missions are a real interest and passion of ours then this is a huge opportunity for us. This is what is important: Investing in their lives and finding those relationships to build upon.

We started our little expedition from the Haven with Aubrey staying with Ba Beauty, Holly with Ba Beatrice, and I with Ba Cece. We laughed, danced, and practiced our Tonga until it was time for each of us to part our separate ways with each of our hosts. Since Ba Cece lives so far away and it was her day off, I was supposed to wait for her at Ba Beauty’s. Instead, we understood wrong so I ended up staying at Ba Beatrice’s house for a few hours. Holly and I were able to talk with her, cook with her, eat dinner with her, and practice more Tonga before I left. The way I finally got to Ba Cece’s home is quite the story.

At about 20:00 hours, 3 guys came to Ba Beatrice’s house to pick me up and walk me to Ba Cece’s. Ba Beatrice asked if I remembered them, and I didn’t. But, I still went with them. The whole time my heart was racing and we started our walk. To Ba Cece’s it was about a 35-minute walk. After about 10 minutes of looking at the beautiful stars in a pitch-black sky and marveling at God’s artwork, I got up the courage to ask their names and find a way to remember them. My nerves were quickly relived when I remembered that one was Ba Cece’s son (all grown up now) and his cousin. They knew Meag well and knew several of my dear Harding friends. Soon, we were talking and laughing and stumbling on dirt paths finding our way to a familiar place.

Once I arrived and saw a warm fire and Ba Cece’s smiling face awaiting my arrival, it all made sense and I laughed at how silly it all was. She explained that her oldest son, the one I did remember, was waiting for me at Ba Beauty’s home. When I didn’t come there, she sent her second born to pick me up so I wouldn’t have to walk in the dark alone. After much apology and laughing at the adventure, I sat around the fire with her children and all their cousins and learned more Tonga words and sang the night away under a blanket of stars and the dancing flames of the mulilo (fire). The peace and serenity in a moment like that is truly inexplicable. It was more like an out of body realization of wow, is this really happening? Am I really seeing this lovely family again after saying a forever goodbye only a year and a half ago? The reunion was precious and filled with such joy and love. The hospitality and making me feel so welcome is quite unmatched. She made me sleep in her bed, and brought out all the warmest blankets (its winter here). She even cooked more for dinner since the walk was long and put me to bed pretty early since I was exhausted from the day.

The next morning, we walked to the Haven together to start the day. We talked about our families, the beauty of the sunrise, and about how good Meag is to all of them. She is the sweetest soul.

Friday is when I finally figured out the routine. I spent the morning hour playing with all the babies in the big room. All the older ones, Angel, Kent, Jeremy, Chabonwa, Helen, Candace, Petra, Rita, and Chilala climbed over any free part of me. They were lined up sitting on my legs, sitting on my shoulders, and fighting each other for the spot closest to my face while trying to all feed me a bite of their morning biscuit. I couldn’t help but laugh. I started taking them out to play and learn one by one and I enjoy this time immensely because it is when truly see their personalities and over time, I hope they warm up to me and I discover how smart they are. They get excited to repeat words, say animal sounds, sing songs, and play with the shape sorter and blocks. They have some brilliant imaginations. Meag and the aunties do such an incredible job at making these babies feel loved and special.

Before the little ones go down, I usually get a chance to feed them their bottles, sing with them, give them tummy time, and encourage them to crawl while they drool with happiness. I’m so thankful that I can be here to celebrate each new day of discovery and milestones gained.

In the afternoons, I spend time outside with them swinging, sliding, or reading books. In the last hour is when I usually spend time with Jonah, a sweet boy that I am privileged to spend an hour with everyday. We play with blocks, read, swing, nap, sing, talk walks, and marvel at the shape sorter. He’s been sick, hurting, and overall doesn’t feel well everyday, but hopefully engaging in the world around him everyday will be beneficial.

Next week, I will be in Haven 1 with a new routine and new babies so that will be an adjustment for a new schedule but a positive experience nonetheless.

I just wanted to give a small overview of what the last week was like and a little piece of what our internship really looked like. Other posts will have more life lessons and learning experiences in store. It’s truly a privilege to be here.

God has been and continues to be so good to me.

The Art of Losing Myself

 I’m the queen of losing everything; just call me Dory because I forget all the time. The typical “I lost it” really means “I forgot where I put it.” Simple enough. But, think about it…it’s forgotten. You don’t know where it is. You either find it, or you forget it forever. Unless you have that rare occasion where you stumble across it because you’re usually looking for something else.

Since college, I’ve lost quite a bit. Mainly myself. College has a good way of doing that. I get lost in friends, my club, my homework (I’m actually drowning in that), sleep, sleepless nights studying, and basically keeping up with “adult” life. It’s new and exciting and you really just can’t stop to take a breath! I mean I’m in the process of getting lost in grad school applications, GRE practice, a big girl job, and big dreams.

Life makes you lose yourself.

Then, one day I’ll look around, take a breath and realize who am I? What is going on? What have I been doing? That our of body experience comes in a major stress breakdown, a 4-hour nap, or throwing in the towel with a phone call to daddy, or binge eating a cookie log with your best friend.

Then , comes the overdramatic “I’ve lost it.” It. It being myself. Finally, I decide its time to find it. I woman up, take the daddy to daughter pep talk, and do something. I search.

When you’re looking for yourself, you learn a multitude about yourself because it’s intentional and pretty critical; I wanted to figure out who I was. Talk about an adventure. Reality is startling. You can’t avoid addressing the hard thoughts that you push to the back of your mind for a rainy day.

The first week of spring semester I realized that I don’t handle death or grieving well. I learned that I cannot say no and I learned that my passionate heart out runs my logic sometimes. For instance, I’ve been saying I want to be a doctor since Kindergarten. I watched every Medical show from House to Greys . I shadowed doctors. I slaved away in Chemistry to get C’s and honestly even that felt accomplishing. Then, it hit me. Being a doctor did not feel right. I was tired, I was trying so hard to no use, I didn’t want it anymore. I had lost myself. I was wearing myself thin and definitely had no energy to glorify God with my attitude or actions.

After a talk with my anatomy teacher, I realized I’m a lover. I’m an encourager I’m a helper. I’m an investor. People are my passion.

With a better view on myself, (with the encouragement of friends and family) I started a new path. The best thing about the new path was that I realized how faithful God has been to me even when I had lost myself. He was so faithful and I didn’t even know.

In the midst of tough decisions and rough situations God was healing me in His time, with His love, and His mercy. All my prayers were being answered and my eyes were blind to it. Eventually, I got a glimpse of His picture.

A little of the picture has built up for my prayers for this moment, this time away. But, truly, I want to see the whole picture, in all it’s beauty and glory. I want to experience what I actually missed when I was so engrossed in the busy life around me.

Missions and seeing God’s sons and daughters around the world is something I love. It’s what I’m passionate about. I get carried away with big thoughts, big dreams, and high expectations for myself.

My hope and prayer for this internship is that I lose myself, but that I lose myself in my Creator. I pray that I am renewed and redeemed into Him. And somewhere in the middle of that, I want to gain an understanding of what His Mission looks like and how to play a part in it. I want to practice the love that I’m eagerly learning about and be able to show a hint of that to Meag, the aunties, the babies, and those around me who mold me and make me a better me through their own selfless love.

I have told my friends multiple times that I dream of loving people. Drink a cup of coffee, invest myself, and love people.  That seems so easy, effortless almost. But, it’s actually hard, hurtful, frustrating, yet so beautiful and rewarding. To achieve this dream, I have to keep craving love and embrace it. Just when I think that I understand a little portion of God’s perfect love, he reminds me that I have much to be taught. Forgiveness and grace are ever present on my heart. I’ve battled, questioned, tried, and failed when it comes to these two, especially for myself. Accepting grace is 100 times harder than telling others about it. Forgiveness is all well and good until you realize you have to FORGET about it.

I’m more than excited to be going back to a place that God has already revealed Himself immensely to me. I’m nervous about leaving my comfort zone and the questions I will face at this point in my life. Will I even figure anything out? Hopefully I’ll gain the courage to dive in headfirst because although it’s a familiar place, it’s a new experience. Many things are different this time around that bring on more baggage and more of a challenge and tougher questions. While I’m willing to learn more about myself, I’m more ecstatic to see what God is going to show me about Himself.

Once thing is certain, I’m forever thankful to the God who never gives up on me and shows me what perfect love is. I’m amazed that he takes my troubled heart and holds on tight. I’m full of joy knowing that He will reveal more and more; the more I lose myself in Him.  Am I humble enough to do that? Am I willing to take the plunge into Him?

I’m on an adventure to learn the art of losing myself and finding myself in His perfect love.

New

A new journey means a new blog. This is me updating my blog for all the family, friends, and churches that want to come along on my journey with me back to Zambia. Yes! I said back, as in revisit, go again, and return. I have prayed long and hard for this opportunity and am overwhelmed in thanks for the blessing to go back!

In the fall of 2012, I studied abroad in Zambia with Harding in Zambia. I actually embarked on a journey that blew my mind. It was unlike any other experience I have ever had. It shattered all my preconceived ideas and perspectives about missions and pretty much life. Everyday left me breathless and begging God for more.

While I was there, I was welcomed into the Haven to love on precious babies and get a glimpse of their lives. The Haven is a beautiful place, a place of refuge for children that have lost their parents, struggle with sickness, or have experienced other tragedies. While they are there, Aunties take care of them 24/7 and pour out the most love I have ever seen a person give. They love each and every one of those 70 (give or take a few at any given time) children as their own. They devote their time to nursing them back to health, seeing that they are developing, and making sure they are loved on constantly. Meagan Hawley, from the United States, works at the Haven long-term. She has devoted her life to this work and has seen to it that this is her Kingdom work. The ultimate goal of the Haven is that every child will be reunited with their families in their village. Be it a parent, sibling, grandparent, or another relative, they want the children to grow up with their loving families, in their own homes if at all possible.

I treasured those moments spent there. I cherished hearing the aunties laugh at my terrible Tonga speaking skills, the babies sleeping in my arms, the messy feeding time. I miss nights spent in a room of sleeping babies and the cheering and smiles of a new milestone met for a little one. I adore the aunties and think they are some of God’s most beautiful creations. I miss the times spent learning about their families and wisdom about life. I miss Meag’s fun loving spirit and heart of gold.

So after being back for a year, I was wishing to go back. After filling out an application for Meagan to be an intern at the Haven, I waited and prayed. I won’t lie. I doubted, a lot. But, I just wanted it that bad and I think there is something to say about praying fervently and God knowing the desires of your heart.

A month later, I found out my wish came true. I am officially an intern at the Haven in Zambia. My prayer was answered. Not only was it answered at the minimum, but I am returning with two of my dearest friends as part of my team, Holly Sullivan and Aubrey Hitt who also accompanied me to HIZ 2012. We are on pins and needles waiting to meet the rest of our team!

This summer, we will be helping Meag with anything she needs. We are there as extra hands where she needs us and for just a breath of fresh air. We will be taking language classes in the mornings, spending our days at the Havens, participating in language class for the babies, and traveling out to the homes of the aunties, too!

New is the word that keeps popping up in my head over and over again. Even though I have been there before, this is new. It’s a new experience and a new journey. It’s a taste of real life there and I couldn’t be more excited! I hope that I am challenged, renewed, and take this new experience to bring about some new changes in myself and recognize some new things God is trying to show me.

I’m so thankful to the God that makes all things new.

If you want to follow along, I will give weekly updates so you can see where your prayers and support are going. Keep praying for my team and for Meagan as she prepares for us. Pray for our hearts to be open and the courage to try new things. I love you all and am so thankful for the influence you have had on my life.

-RC