The Art of Losing Myself

 I’m the queen of losing everything; just call me Dory because I forget all the time. The typical “I lost it” really means “I forgot where I put it.” Simple enough. But, think about it…it’s forgotten. You don’t know where it is. You either find it, or you forget it forever. Unless you have that rare occasion where you stumble across it because you’re usually looking for something else.

Since college, I’ve lost quite a bit. Mainly myself. College has a good way of doing that. I get lost in friends, my club, my homework (I’m actually drowning in that), sleep, sleepless nights studying, and basically keeping up with “adult” life. It’s new and exciting and you really just can’t stop to take a breath! I mean I’m in the process of getting lost in grad school applications, GRE practice, a big girl job, and big dreams.

Life makes you lose yourself.

Then, one day I’ll look around, take a breath and realize who am I? What is going on? What have I been doing? That our of body experience comes in a major stress breakdown, a 4-hour nap, or throwing in the towel with a phone call to daddy, or binge eating a cookie log with your best friend.

Then , comes the overdramatic “I’ve lost it.” It. It being myself. Finally, I decide its time to find it. I woman up, take the daddy to daughter pep talk, and do something. I search.

When you’re looking for yourself, you learn a multitude about yourself because it’s intentional and pretty critical; I wanted to figure out who I was. Talk about an adventure. Reality is startling. You can’t avoid addressing the hard thoughts that you push to the back of your mind for a rainy day.

The first week of spring semester I realized that I don’t handle death or grieving well. I learned that I cannot say no and I learned that my passionate heart out runs my logic sometimes. For instance, I’ve been saying I want to be a doctor since Kindergarten. I watched every Medical show from House to Greys . I shadowed doctors. I slaved away in Chemistry to get C’s and honestly even that felt accomplishing. Then, it hit me. Being a doctor did not feel right. I was tired, I was trying so hard to no use, I didn’t want it anymore. I had lost myself. I was wearing myself thin and definitely had no energy to glorify God with my attitude or actions.

After a talk with my anatomy teacher, I realized I’m a lover. I’m an encourager I’m a helper. I’m an investor. People are my passion.

With a better view on myself, (with the encouragement of friends and family) I started a new path. The best thing about the new path was that I realized how faithful God has been to me even when I had lost myself. He was so faithful and I didn’t even know.

In the midst of tough decisions and rough situations God was healing me in His time, with His love, and His mercy. All my prayers were being answered and my eyes were blind to it. Eventually, I got a glimpse of His picture.

A little of the picture has built up for my prayers for this moment, this time away. But, truly, I want to see the whole picture, in all it’s beauty and glory. I want to experience what I actually missed when I was so engrossed in the busy life around me.

Missions and seeing God’s sons and daughters around the world is something I love. It’s what I’m passionate about. I get carried away with big thoughts, big dreams, and high expectations for myself.

My hope and prayer for this internship is that I lose myself, but that I lose myself in my Creator. I pray that I am renewed and redeemed into Him. And somewhere in the middle of that, I want to gain an understanding of what His Mission looks like and how to play a part in it. I want to practice the love that I’m eagerly learning about and be able to show a hint of that to Meag, the aunties, the babies, and those around me who mold me and make me a better me through their own selfless love.

I have told my friends multiple times that I dream of loving people. Drink a cup of coffee, invest myself, and love people.  That seems so easy, effortless almost. But, it’s actually hard, hurtful, frustrating, yet so beautiful and rewarding. To achieve this dream, I have to keep craving love and embrace it. Just when I think that I understand a little portion of God’s perfect love, he reminds me that I have much to be taught. Forgiveness and grace are ever present on my heart. I’ve battled, questioned, tried, and failed when it comes to these two, especially for myself. Accepting grace is 100 times harder than telling others about it. Forgiveness is all well and good until you realize you have to FORGET about it.

I’m more than excited to be going back to a place that God has already revealed Himself immensely to me. I’m nervous about leaving my comfort zone and the questions I will face at this point in my life. Will I even figure anything out? Hopefully I’ll gain the courage to dive in headfirst because although it’s a familiar place, it’s a new experience. Many things are different this time around that bring on more baggage and more of a challenge and tougher questions. While I’m willing to learn more about myself, I’m more ecstatic to see what God is going to show me about Himself.

Once thing is certain, I’m forever thankful to the God who never gives up on me and shows me what perfect love is. I’m amazed that he takes my troubled heart and holds on tight. I’m full of joy knowing that He will reveal more and more; the more I lose myself in Him.  Am I humble enough to do that? Am I willing to take the plunge into Him?

I’m on an adventure to learn the art of losing myself and finding myself in His perfect love.